02/10/2006 Scaffold Man

Sung to the tune of 'The Chemical Workers Song' by Great Big Sea

And it's go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go...

Well a Scaffold man am I, and I'm telling you no lie;
I worked with the poor bastards who were sent out there to die.
There was blood and death surrounding me, and madness in the air,
And you didn't need you conscience, 'cos the Baron didn't care.

And it's go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go...

I killed the poor and innocent, I never felt so low,
But he held my life so tightly that I didn't dare say no.
I killed defenceless children, and I watched their mothers burn,
And the memories of their screams and cries still make my stomach turn.

And it's go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go...

I had my pay withheld when the relationship turned sour,
But orders kept on coming; we kept killing by the hour.
In time, you just got numb to it; the blood would leave no stain.
We all did what we had to do to live in Scaffold's reign.

And it's go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go...

Oh blessed day, when orders finally came through from on high.
They'd had enough of Scaffold; 'twas the Baron's turn to die.
We found him and his high master hiding in their keep in fear,
And killed them in the two most welcome murders of the year.

And it's go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go...

It's over now, and we've come home to try to start again.
We're ordered to forget, to say we never were his men,
But I still have to thank my faith and luck to have survived...
…to be one of the few that Baron Scaffold left alive!

And it's go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go boys, go.
You're his 'til your last breath
And every day you served the man was dicing with your death,
But you go...

28/02/2006 The Demon Investigation Agency

"Ah. Naismith isn't it?"
"Yes, Sir."
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news."
"Yes, Sir?"
"We've run out of funds again, Naismith. Purchasing all these magic items to fight demons isn't cheap you know. Not all our agents can call on the gods you know."
"I see sir."
"So I'm afraid we can't publish your book."
"I see sir."
"Printing is expensive, as is paper, you see. no way around it."
"So unless you can come up with 20 groats of your own money, your field guide will remain unread."
"I see sir. I'll try my best."
"Oh? You really think you can up with that amount of money?"
"No sir. But I will try my best. I'll volunteer for the most dangerous patrols in the kingdom, until I have enough. Kai's will be done."
"Kai's will be done. Be careful, son."
"I will Dad."

12/02/2006 Moonlight Alliance

The Baron would like to congratulate a group of relatively junior non-commissioned officers, troopers and support staff who volunteered to run a live-fire remote operations exercise in no-mans-land recently. They returned successful, completing their objectives with minimum losses and in three-quarters of the time allowed for the mission. The Kingdom's Defenders who were brought in from other jurisdictions to play the parts of the Moonlight Alliance, a fictious organisation invented for the purpose of the extended exercise, sustained a loss rate of approximately 65:1, which Baron Van Heusen sees as a resounding vote of confidence in the training and abilities of our own brave Defenders and their volunteering civilian colleagues.

06/02/2006 Chicken-Wing Song

The annual Barony singing contest has a new winner. As sung by 'Some Flouncy Tit With A Rapier' it's the Chicken-Wing Song:

Chick-chick-chicken wi-i-ing!

Sneeking through the wood (chick chick chicken)
Finger lickin good (chick chick chicken)
Armed with deady knives (chick chick chiken)
And 12 herbs and spies[ces] (chick chick chicken)

It is chicken wiiiiiiinnnnggggg!
Chicky chicky chick chick - stab stab
Chicky chicky chick chick - SLASH SLASH SLASH
Chicky chicky chick chick - ReH ReH ReH ReH [from psycho]
Chicky chicky chicky chicky
Chicky chicky chicky chicky
Chick chick CHICKEN WING! ......SSSSHhhhhhhh!

Striking from behind (chick chick chicken)
Like his foes are blind cChick chick chicken)
Never sleeps or reasts [shut up - I know its a crap rhyme] (chick chick chicken)
Its a family feast (chick chick chicken)

It is chicken wiiiiiiinnnnggggg!


[Guitar solo]

It is chicken wiiiiiiinnnnggggg!
Chicky chicky chick chick - stab stab
Chicky chicky chick chick - SLASH SLASH SLASH
Chicky chicky chick chick - ReH ReH ReH ReH [from psycho]
Chicky chicky chicky chicky
Chicky chicky chicky chicky
Chick chick CHICKEN WING! ......SSSSHhhhhhhh!

16/08/2005 Darkblade Hit List

WANTED: Blackwing
WANTED: Nab McFeegle

11/07/2005 Dr Wolfgang

A new hospital "Megami-sama Belldandy Hospital" is opening later this month!

We offer the following services:
- Life and Body healing
- Regrowing of severed or crushed limbs
- Resurrection
- Healing of broken bones
- Removal of annoying effects, such as paralysis
- Counselling (Discern spiritual influence)
- General medical advice
- Help in curing poison and diseases
[written in death and chaos runes]
- we also don't ask questions
[/written in death and chaos runes]

On request, we can also create healing items, and training in any medical skill.

Life saving services (like reattaching limbs, healing, resurrection) are free to friends.

In the near future, more advanced services will become available.

15/04/2005 Extract from "Monsters and Mazes, a Heros Guide" by Sebastian Flash-Heart

The lesson for today: destroying artifacts IV

1)When adventuring make sure that its a nice day. You don't want to ruin a good suit. And sunshine will make you look better ...and its not what you do its how you look whilst doing it that makes all the difference.
2)Goblins, whilst being fodder can be little bastards if magical so beware.
3)Death Aligned characters can anger easily, and are somewhat upset at having benificial life miricles cast upon them, so do this as often as you can without putting yourself in too much danger (know when to back off!)
4)Not all bandits are evil. Some will be doing this act out of despiration for their familys. Do not judge anyone before you have first judged yourself.
5)A life ward does not appear of its own accord. Expect foul play.
6)Lives in danger should superceed the chain of command, but not if it will prevent you going out and saving the day on a different day. Learn how to judge what is the most important action from the point of view of the downtrodden masses, and think what would benifit them best.
7)Do NOT crawl unless absoutely necessary. Get less heroic members of your party to do so (but not the ladys...unless this will provide additional entertainment).
8)Barbarians irritate very easily and have a short fuse and big muscles. NEVER EVER say classic phrases such as "I'm an all powerful mage. You are wearing a skirt" or "Fancy some magic on that nice sword" or "I knew a barbarian once, but I blasted him with a fireball..." 8)Demons are a misuse of power. Teach them how to war! Go smite on their ass.
9)Artefacts are hard to break and act like magnets for Bad Things(tm). Generally put on you're best trousers and prepare for death if trying to break one.
10)When battle is over, make sure you have access to one (or more) maidens to tend to your wounds as this increses healing time...

17/12/2004 The Heroes of the Barony

Sung to the tune of 'English Country Garden'

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
First he comes with shield and sword
It's that big half-orc G'Mord
Leading from the front with his loud, loud voice
He guards and protects the Barony Patrol
He's a hero of the Barony

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
Here she comes with balls of fire,
watch the flames go higher and higher
Mara's lust for power goes on and on
She's a high elven mage and all would agree
She's a hero of the Barony

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
Next we have the freedom priest
No wait he's a mage right now
Wasn't he a scout? Heck I don't know
It is Kendal the something - Heck I don't care
He's a hero of the Barony

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
Drain life 20, heal wounds 4
Blesses, dex and lots lots more
In She'lagh's name Lomax fights all the more,
Druids run from his sight, though, he's alright
He's a hero of the Barony

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
Mending limbs and fixing bones,
Mathonwy never ever groans,
Not even when he has to heal Mad Jim
He is all out for justice, and Cwfyandir
He's hero of the Barony

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
Biscuit is a lovely pope,
mocking all the boring folk
making people ill with his vile coloured cloak,
He is, no she is, no he is, wait no-one knows,
It's hero of the Barony

How many heroes can we see when we're watching in the Barony
I'll tell you now of some that I know, those I miss will surely shout at me
Jim McFeegle rages on
Inept by nature, mad by name,
Fighting for the love of an elven mage,
He is strong, he is loud, he is well endowd
He's a hero of the Barony.

They are Heroes of the Barony

04/12/2003 Illson's Poem

If you should face a stronger foe,
When far ahead on your own,
Your duty is to report, not die:
Turn and run for home.

If when locked in conflict foul,
The fighting is not going well,
A warrior's place is to take the hits -
You turn and run like hell!

Run, run, my friends! A Pathfinder's life is for me!
Death Knights and Mages,
Barbarian rages,
And falling beneath a damn tree!

If first to fall is the fighter,
The second should not be the scout.
The priest and the mage may taste of the blade,
But Pathfinders get the hell out.

Humans are stopped by a "Freeze",
"Entangle" keeps skeletons pinned.
But there is no spell that works half as well,
As to turn and run like the wind!

Run, run, my friends! A Pathfinder's life is for me!
Death Knights and Mages,
Barbarian rages,
And falling beneath a damn tree!

We can scout and patrol and report.
Rec every fell creature in sight.
But once swords are drawn our work here is done,
Let somebody else stand and fight!

If first to die is the Guard,
The scout should not stay to see.
Being thoroughly mangled's a warrior's angle,
The Pathfinder's lot is to flee!

Run, run, my friends! A Pathfinder's life is for me!
Death Knights and Mages,
Barbarian rages,
And falling beneath a damn tree!

04/12/2003 Mara's Song

Sung to the tune of 'Burn Baby Burn' by Kanna Ash

You're what I have to make me great
Your mighty power of potent magics
The mana flow that pulls me on
Destructive force, sweet ecstasy
Obliteration brings rebirth
In the swirling vortex I loose myself
Almost to the point of no return
Everything will burn baby burn

Look into my flaming eyes
See someone you don't recognise
The primal force of fire's might
Brings nations down, creates new worlds
Power that I can't disguise
Yet even this flaming glory can't save me
Oh something inside has died

You walk like you're in a daze
Though I think that's a barbarian rage
Mindless violence directed a me
That memory leaves a bitter taste
Yet with you I feel a strange rapport
But can I give you what you seek?
Destructive love is all we have
Destructive love is all I am

Look into my flaming eyes
See someone you don't recognise
The primal force of fire's might
Brings nations down, creates new worlds
Power that I can't disguise
Yet even this flaming glory can't save me
Oh something inside has died

High-elven magic words
Center the mana and bring it forth
Leaving destruction in my wake
The spirit of flame
That burns in my heart
Yeah, we are spiralling on the breeze
Almost to the point of no return
Everything will burn baby burn

Look into my flaming eyes
See someone you don't recognise
The primal force of fire's might
Brings nations down, creates new worlds
Power that I can't disguise
Together, you and I could blaze
Like a like a comet through this Age!

08/07/2003 Silvanus' Song

Sung to the tune of 'Lean On Me' by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain
They all have leaves,
but, if we are wise,
we know that theres,
always the trees...

Lean on trees
When your not strong,
and they'll heal your wounds
they'll help you carry on,
for, it wont be long
till I'm gonna need,
someone to sing along!

Please swallow your pride
If they have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't tell the trees

You just call on them brother,
If you need some sticks,
We all need, a tree to lean on!
You just might have a problem,
that they can help fix,
we all need, a tree to lean on!

Lean on trees
When your not strong,
and they'll heal your wounds
they'll help you carry on,
for, it wont be long
till I'm gonna need,
someone to sing along!

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
They're alongside the road
They'll share your load
If you just call a tree

21/07/2003 Biscuit's new temple

New temple doctrine: Thou shalt not be creative. nor shall we stand for genius in any form. Imagination is right out. Change is barely allowable as long as its into something powdery and grey. I quit. They never wrote to me anyway.

I wonder if I could start a new one?
I could teach people miricals and things.
Oh dear.
I don't know that many do I?
Maybe I could make some up. I should be able to work things out.
Maybe the freedom people or the balancers will help?

Well, thats about all I could hope for. There's about ten of us. well, thats not entirly ture. There's about 25-30 people who might turn up with the temple or church or whatevert from time to time. Theres about 10 of use who are preists of any standing. The rest are mostly artists of some sort or another, theres a couple of scouts and a couple of random passers by like Praxis.
If anyone had shown any interest before, I'd be pretty sure that at least one of the preists is a Church member.

Well that was quite lovely, the Balancey people have taken my silly head gear off me but they've promised to support my new temple, providing that theres enough opposition, and they've taught me some of there healing although it seems to come out differently when I do it to when they do... they said something tremendiously complicated about me being out of balance and the force I provide the miracle with being unbalanced. it sounds like it might be an explanation as to why Tethlyn is wandering around with a hourse leg attached to his shoulder.
The balance people did say it would be better if I provided the energy myself from my life and body, on account of them being more lifey and less chaotic than jemmy's will respectively and I think it did about half of it... it certainly hurt enough.

11/06/2003 High Master Interfector's Guide To Patrolling

1: Never trust the Pathfinder. S/he cannot track, read maps or use tactics. They will either flee combat at inopportune moments or charge headlong into combat, necessitating a headlong charge from those members of the party who do not wish to lug a body around with them.
2: Never obey the Guards or Pathfinders, they don't know what they are doing, they have no idea what is going on, and the average intelligence is that of a zombie squirrel.
3: If, by some miracle, you find a competent leader, protect them. A competent leader ensures that the party remains healthy and uses tactics in combat. This is generally enough to keep everyone alive.
4: Listen to Priests of Might. We have the miracles to protect you and enhance your fighting abilities, we have the training to hold our own in a fight, and we have the Almighty on our side.
5: Do not antagonise sprites. From experience this can hurt.
6: Ignore unimportant orders. Get the job you have been assigned. Make sure you take note of names of people to be left alive. Anything else is generally a waste of time. Let the Guards and Pathfinders do the rest. It makes them feel special.
7: It doesn't matter what you are told, if more than three members of the barony patrol groups gather together, there will be combat involved. So have weapons on you at all times.
8: You can never have enough weapons.
9: Protection. Protect the party healers. Make sure your weapons are protected by miracles and protect anyone if the healers look like they are going to kill themselves trying to save them.
10: Remember the most important rule. If you meet it on patrol, you haven't been told to talk to it, and it doesn't look like it is going to offer help, kill it as quickly as possible. It must be evil if it is encountered on a patrol unless it is someone you have to talk to or it has healing.
11: The makeup of goblins tribes appears to be around 95% healers and the rest are evil. Haven't quite worked this one out yet.
12: Don't bother with mages. They are either very good at defending themselves, or suicidal. Either way, helping them is a waste of time.
13: The Final and most important thing of all. Make sure the party includes at least two life healers and two wounds healers. Otherwise you are utterly screwed.
Here endeth the lesson.

23/05/2003 Biscuit's first ritual

Biscuit looks up triumphantly from the kitten he's holding. its fur is sleek, it yowls loudly, and with a final desperate wriggle, it escapess her grip and sprints off through the cloud of balloons to cower under a cart.

His/Her face is covered in icecream, the remains of spent candles lie around on the floor and the Book of Ritual has sustained slight damage.

Biscuit doesn't care. s/he found an injured kitten in the market place a couple of hours ago, and has been chanting on and off ever since making various interpritations of a book written both for and by someone with a rather different world view from his own. And now the kitten's been healed enough that its clawed his/her hand and run away.

Biscuit binds up his hand and bounces off triumphantly to find herself a healer.

Biscuit bounces up to the Temple of Freedom.
Carabas had asked to be told if s/he ever had any ritual ability, and s/he did, now.
On the way in, s/he is accosted by the plate-wearing liberian, told to 'shhhh!'.

19/05/2003 Appropriate uses of wood

This message is written on paper and posted in the College & Temples, the Pathfinder college, the Guard's Barracks, and the Gladiator college.

It has come to my attention that you barony folk are using the trees without understading how to do so! Therefore it is treely my duty to explain matters too you!

Firstly, Trees Should be respected and admired at all times. They are a sacrificial power and are more than willing to sacrifice themselves for the greater good! Therefore A tree wood be willing to give up its life in order to make a home-shelter for a cold family, or to be burnt to provide warmth, but not to create a big fire to burn people on!

Weapons are allowed to be made from trees as long as these weapons are only used for the protection of the trees in turn! Any such weapons are a gift from nature, granted bye the willing trees and are thus ok. Un like metal weapons which demonstrates damaging nature by removing it entirely!


Lastly, wood from trees should not be taken in excess, and so a forest should bee allowed to regrow before cutting down more trees, else it will disappear and then there will be NO TREES!!!!

Lastly but not leastly, It has recently come two my attention that books are made from paper is made from trees. This is OK as long as the paper is used to store the knowledge of the trees or to give out the words of the trees. The books should be looked after and the trees thanked for there sacrifice!

Trees and Leafs!


Lastly, you have to always thank the trees for their services amd sacrifices whenever one is used!

Thankyou for reading this!

17/05/2003 More Silvanus' ramblings

(after spending an evening in conversenwith Gish on the importance of research)
(following message scrawled on random trees near the barony)

(tree 1)
Regarding the Whole-E Trees.
It has come too my attention, that much druidic research must be done on my personal link with the trees.

(tree 2)
For example, Whilst I protect the trees, they in turn protect me. these unusual symbiotic relations must bee noted because both sides

(tree 3)
provide the same benefit two won another. I will call this 'Tree-Seiosys', and acts as a means of creating an immortal link between myself and the Trees.

(tree 4)
the only thing that can be concluded from this is that the trees are godlike because /I/ protect them. therefore by logic, I must also bee godlike and immortal, as the trees provide me with the same benefit i do two them...

(tree 5)
experimentation follows.....

(tree 8)

17/05/2003 Silvanus' ramblings

This can be found by anyone who is lucky and happens to be in the Borderlands.
Found scrawled on a grouping of trees:

tree 1
Tree-Marshal Liana - Has The Abilities of the trees and uses them responsibly! Maybe a bit quiet but then again, trees dont talk much!
Arduyne - pretends to be nice and even found me when i got lost, but then goes and kills off other friends. And there was so much promise in him too!
Flash - Wont listen to the trees words and gets scary when I try and tell him! Thinks that dark druids are nicer than evil mages.

tree 2
Orchid - Needs to blosom into maturity before he will be an asset to nature... The trees will protect him untill then!
The Grumpy Scout - Far too loud for a scout! Maybe the trees could teach some subtlty? Quite good at moving out of the way when things try to hurt her!
The Bright Man - Wow! a good and good mage! Gave me powers to feed the trees! a very enlightening man indeed!

tree 3
Verin - likes to keep people on the floor a lot.
The Helpful Corrupter - tries to confuse me by helping nature even when hurting it. the trees see through him and tell me he is himself confused.
Torrent - If only all barony members were like this one then they wouldnt harm nature so much! Listens to the trees, which makes him nice!

tree 4
Druid Rawl'ra - Dislikes the barony a lot, but is quieter about it than the trees.
Druid Forge - metal wearing druid who hits things a lot. strange one but is nice to the trees!
Mr Gish - His books are a scare but his heart is as kind as his hair! Taught me much indeed!

tree 5
Interfector - Causes too much trouble. Needs to take a leaf from the trees.
The Fighting Man - does his best but loses legs. relies too much on metal.
The Biscuit - such a crazy person needs to seek solitude with the trees. You canno serve the trees if you are mad!!

tree 6
The Balanced Man - jokes about Dark Druids. I think he needs help.
The Man Of Many Words - another tolerable mage! this one uses funny words to confuse people, but the trees are inconfusable you see!

28/04/2003 The Wonderful World of Fungi

A lecture summary by Seeker Gish

1. Fungi link all organisms, often living within others, especially plants which in many cases cannot live without the 'shroom symbiont.
2. fungi perform an important role in the entropy of the world and by harnessing the power of the 'shroom it has been shown that one can bring destruction to the most powerful of objects.
3. fungi form a web of consciousness and by seeing through the eyes of a 'shroom one can see many invisible creatures, dragons disguised as rabbits, invisible guards.
4. Not all fungi are willing to let you join their consciousness, most will perform no function when concentrated, and others will wilfully kill the unwitting human. One must choose certain friendly fungi that wish to share the secrets of the world.
5. Fungi were the dominant race before the elves colonised the land and the two species lived harmoniously, walking the land together. This was ended when the orcs and goblins attacked Fungland and brutally supressed the 'shrooms. Today the fungi fisght a silent war against the orcs, sneaking up on them with guile and killing them in hordes, indeed it was the function as orc control that I first became interested in the mushrooms.
DISCLAIMER: Making 'shroom concentrate is dangerous and should only be attempted by qualified profesionals in controlled circumstances.
For samples of mushroom concentrate please contact Seeker Gish at the Temple of Freedom.

05/04/2003 Arduyne's Trial

Silvanus speaks

The trees demand that the Tree-Man Arduyne Montoya be released from his captivity! The trees are very upset that you should accuse such a wonderous person of murder. The trees dont kill unless they have to. The trees are good and right in this matter, and the trees have spoken. Arduyne /will/ be released, or the trees will smite you all, and I wont be able to talk them out of it!
High Master Celeratus is right in this matter, the druid killed /must/ have been a Dark Druid, for trees make no mistakes, and Arduyne has shown me his true form - he is part tree!!!
The Trees are verrry angry with you all!

Adiuvo speaks

Arduyne Montoya is a remarkably useful patrol member, for a human. To sacrifice him due to the usual internal squabbles of the human species would be a shame, especially when only one other relatively useless human life was lost. As a representative of the College of Earth, I most forcefully suggest leniency.

Celeratus speaks

I demand that Arduyne Montoya is released at once!
He was trying to help a member of the barony patrol, albeit one who was NOT in need of aid, I hasten to add, but attempting aid nonetheless. The cowardly druid attacked a barony citizen from behind, and then crouched over him muttering words. It is understandable that the Pathfinder, being fairly new to these lands, did not realise a Priest of Might needs no aid, and so used force to counteract the blatantly hostile attempts of the druid.
Master Interfector has informed me that he was well away from the grove when he was attacked, so the druids had no reason to act offensively towards him, unless of course the... creature.... was a Dark Druid, and as such deserving of death.
Pathfinder Montoya acted in a way which I approve of. I would not hesitate to induct such an obviously well-balanced young man into the Temple of Might and demand this farce of a trial is called of immediately.

Orchid speaks

After a fight against hard plant creatures, I awoke leaning up against a tree, that some druids had made heal me. I was covered in a lot of blood from the fight, and the druids saved my life. I went back to the party with Arduyne Montoya, and a couple of the druids who I had seen when I first woke up were with the party. They tripped up Interfector, and bound him to the floor. I don't know why, but Interfector had probably gone all nasty at them like he usually does. They didn't hurt him, but Arduyne still came up behind one of them and slit his throat. Marshal Liana wasn't happy, and nor was I, coz they had saved my life, and he had now taken it away. I didn't follow his orders for the rest of the day.

03/03/2003 Promotion prospects look bad!

Sir, I feel it is appropriate to mention at this juncture that having looked back on my records I should be up for promotion after my next mission. Orchid tells me you have denied him his title even though his level of aptitude would usually suggest such promotion is suitable. What worries me is that Ranger Orchid has a tendency to let rank dictate his feelings towards others, looking down on anyone less able in their positions than he is, most pointedly whithin the guild but also noticably to the patrol group in general. I wonder what his reaction would be, knowing that he IS the best in the group, upon finding that the rest of us have been granted sergeant status and he hasn't. It's a nagging thought. It's bad enough to have to babysit a stroppy teenager who's too big for his boots without pouring salt in the open wounds he claims to have. (excuse the metaphors.) To be honest I don't know what to suggest, as I would not feel comfortable forgoing promotion I have earned simply for his sake, but at the same time I would have to agree with you that he has not earned the respect and trust of the guild required for such promotion. It seems either way the situation will be an uncomfortable one. If you could let me know how you see the situation I would be much obliged.

Memo to Pathfinder Seyenne only:
Pathfinder Seyenne, your concerns about Ranger Orchid have been duly noted. At present, Ranger Orchid is merely on trial as a full Pathfinder, however his recent actions have been less than satisfactory for a Pathfinder. I will not go into details, but it is because of these actions that he is not getting the promotion he would have gained, and he is being made well aware of this. If he continues to be insubordinate whilst he is out patrolling with you, then do not hesitate to report his actions to Pathfinder Commander Hazlewick. He is keeping very close tabs on young Ranger Orchid, and is following his progress very closely.
Commander Drift

10/02/2003 Field Twip

*writen in red crayon in his school excercise book*
Hobbit's Field Twip
Today techur, took us too a plase calld the boredlands. We went and brought sandwiches wiv us incase we got all hungwy. We looked at lots of plants and trees and rocks and then Mr Jones took our picture. Then we saw a fluffy thingy that Mr Jones called a dog, it was nice and sniffed my shoes, so it wasnt very smart. Then we played tip but techur said no and maid me stand by sum rocks cause i used a word i herd the big kids say, and he sed i need to do lines. :( I got very bored cause the rocks were dull and I wunted to see the primativs that teach was talking about. So I got a good idea, while Mr Jones was hittin Gimblett for playing tip, I snuk away using my dimension door. I was well clever cause I out thunk teach. Then I found some privativs! They were very intertest...internet....grrr...they looked very good, one was all shiny and made of metal, like a robot except it had pink bits that were real. One had long black hair, and one was all dressed in white, and one was all in green, and once was dressed in lots of colours and smilled alot and had pigtails and a ballon. I thought these people wud be more fun than teach so i tipped the one with big hair, i was well sneaky cause i blinked way behind another of the people and tipped him too. :) But they didnt blink after me, so i appeared in fwunt of thm and sed hello, they were very shocked and one didnt have any eyes and a lot looked all hurt and messy with blood. The smily one was very friendly and asked me where i was from so i said i came from the 5th layer of the abyss, i dont know what that is but I herd some of the big kids say that they wunt to go there so it must be kool. Then i asked the happy one if he wud like to play tip, he sed he didnt now how, so i told him and i tipped him, he sed "owwie" and runned after me lots, then i got tired and lied down so he got me. :( I dont like being it. They were nice primitivs. Its a shame teach didnt let us kepp wun as a toy. Then the rest of the class found me! I told teach that sum were all owwie but teach wus annoyed cause i runned off. Then the big shiney metal wun talked to teach, he looked worried and was very loud and shouty. He had pointy things called swords which teach told us that people used before they invented laser cannons and planet killer barrages. I laughed cause they looked silly, they said they were a partee, which was strange cause only the one called biscuit looked like he wus at a parti. I like parties cause someitmes i get presents and cake. I like chocolate the best. I like biscuits too, but the one i met wasnt made out of chocolate. The primatives were very funny lookin so me and gimblett thought it wud be funny to scare them to look big and super powered! So we snucked up behind Dommy and hit his head with our stun rays to make him sleepy! It was very funny! Teach didnt think it was funy.... :( Then teach sent us to detenshun....but it was kool cause that chick with the blue hair and pointy ears kept lookin at me and smiling, maybe i can hav a partee wiv her.......
*Message is followed by 1000 lines of "I will not swear on the field twip"*

What I did on my field twip to the bawroniey.
On our class field twip we visited the bawroniey to studay some prwimattives. When we arivedd we saw lots of tree and rocks and things. Mr Jones sed we was to be quet til some prwimattives apeered and we were then we werent cause it was booring. we waited for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours but nothing came so we played tip. Mr jones got all angry and made us stand still and play simon sez and gimble was nauty and got shouted at and then we had lunch. after ages and ages we met a prwimattive he fell down a hill just like in the storys my mummy tells me. then mr jones tolds us about the stuff in the barony and there were huumans and orkks and ogres and things. then he showed us a tree and asked us what it was and we say goblin tree and we was rite. then cos no prwimattives came we went and looked for them and we walked and walked and then we found them. they woor armor and it was al strange and shiny and they had it cause mr jones said they were stoopid. i met biskitt and he had a clok and it was all flluffffy and biskitt tole me how to spel flluffffy and i assked him if i could keep him and i siad he could live on my shelf next to my stuff and he said he didn't like shelfs cause he bin there before so i sia d what about my cubord but he said now. then i tol him about mu flurry and how it changes color and he liked it and he gave me a ballooooon but hobbit popped it and then he gave me anozer balllooon and then i felt all sleepy and when i woke up my balloon was gone and so was hobbit and gimble. i also met orchid he was a bigger kid and he was angry cos he was grounded i have never been grounded before wots it like and i also met imnotalkingtoyou and he did not talk to me and he had armour and then we left. i have a drawn a picture but i left it at home so ill bring it tomorrow and im gonna send biskit a thank you letter cos i was told to for the ballooon and ill draw him a picture to.
The End.
Dominic age 7

01/01/2003 Borderlands gossip

Heard it in the tavern

"Why is the Baron leaving the border undefended? Our men barely came back from the attack by those unliving when they got called right back up again, just after the harvest was gathered. I hear there's only a few troops up there, right odd bunch too- hardly an organised force, whilst most of the men, wizards and all those folks that usually charge off are sitting back."
"Yeah, I heard that all sorts are being sent in, with occasional orders from a whole bunch of places. Whatever it is thats up there must think we're a bunch of cowards."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Yeah, so listen: there's this big plague, yeah, and the Baron got orders to torch the area so it won't spread. Mages from the whole kingdom got together and blew the whole place to bits. They claim it's not civilisable cos they're not sure that the plague is really gone, and they're trying to stop us panicking about getting sick. Why else would the soldiers be sitting here? The lot up there, they survived it, and you know you can't get plague twice. Some of 'em aren't even our boys..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"S'been far too quiet to be an act of Chaos like that Order Priest was claiming. If you ask me, the only ones who would want to clear out the humans is the Druids- and people say the animals up there are huge, an' even rats walk around like they own the place. Yup, the Druids have just cast some big magic to make Nature rise up against us."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Now, here'sh a funny thing. Ya wander in there, and you know, you know ya gotta get back out quickly. Cosh, cos, there's no shelter, right? S'all exposed, no where to sleep or defend yourshelf in tha night. But we found a cashtle- all with minu... min... pointy bits an' shtuff. Like what your mother ushed to talk about when you's was little. A cashtle out of a story book, full of shplendour and glamour..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Undead. It always comes down to things that should not be. Do you really think that all of that unnatural necromancy stuff would not have some kind of backlash? The numbers of zombies and whatnot last year must have set something off... nah, don't ask me what. Thats a job for your lot, right? All those people who know how magic works just need someone who can see the wood for the trees to tell 'em what to look at. And what to look at is the undead wandering out of the Borderlands"

Heard it in the marketplace

"You remember the old stories, right? Bards have begun to sing them again, and after that night all the wise women and soothsayers have said its an omen- that the Great Destroyer has returned to life and is beginning to awaken, gathering power before he opens his maw and devours our world. I don't know if we have people as great as the heroes of yore to defend us this time- what if it really is the End Time?"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Look at him- you see him? That odd short fellow with all the gadgets. They say he came wandering out of the Borderlands a week ago. Says he's a gnome or some such. But, he seems to not care that he don't know where he is or anything! Just seems happy that people are willing to look at all his odd contraptions. We reckon he's a familiar of some mighty wizard, poking his nose in."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Now, us folks rarely get to use a proper magic item like out of the stories. The stuff we can afford from the Artificers doesn't last. But recently the patrols that have been poking around up there have been finding some stuff, and those Artificers have been pouncing on it claiming it as their own... if so how did it get up there? I also hear about mysterious things of power with some unbelieveable power source. Like, they can carry on doing their magic all day without any worries! What? The backpack? Oh, I doubt I'll be the last fellow who takes his life in his hands to find the treasure. Everyone knows there must be piles of stuff up there! Reckon I'll bring some back, and sell it to set me up for life!"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Now, people around here don't like to talk about it. Its not nice, you hear? We lost family and friends in one way or another... here, you see him? Staring blankly at whatever passes him by? Was my cousin, and he lived up there. He came out fine, except he spoke in different voices. Like, he'd speak to children of beautiful worlds as if he was a child, and when drunk cry of destroyed worlds with a voice of a lost soul. He slowly became less articulate, and well, you can see him. Its as if his mind is broken. Whatver he saw, whatever happened, his mind couldn't even begin to deal with..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Remember that fellow who helped out not long back, when we thought we were going to lose both Jenna and her kid in childbirth? Turns out that was Mathonwy- you know, the wandering priest? He's more the sort that I thought we'd see up in the Borderlands checking it out. Turns out that its almost like something was waiting for him, his memory got clouded and he ended up only able to perform the most rudimentary of miracles. Wonder why it affects some and not others?"

Heard it in court cirles

"After resisting all of the pressure to send in the army, the Baron came under heavy fire from all sides- I hear the Prince was being petitioned to overule him. But after that army from a neighbouring kingdom was swallowed up without a trace, his position is now stronger than ever."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Our Pathfinders sent all those worried reports about such a large body of men massing on the far side of the Borderlands- it would have been a disaster as the forts to hold that frontier were swallowed by the Borderlands on its arrival. Now its like they were never there- I hear that the Baron has been having flashes of insight and almost seemed to second guess what was happening, and he trusts his gut instincts. Confidence in his leadership has raised morale in the court after the initial panic."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Have you noticed that many of the Baron's personal servants have been jumpy, and some seem to be getting very little sleep? I cornered a chambermaid, and she claims that the Baron has been haunted by nightmares. Some nights he thrashes in his sleep, and has been heard to argue with himself. Rumour has it amongst the staff that he was found one morning crying, mumbling something like 'nothing like me, I could never...' "
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"You remember that fellow who was exiled a while back? He's up there and I'm damn sure he started it- he walks around the area with impunity don't you know. All of the malcontents of the Kingdom flocked to his banner when he gave the call, and came up with a way to put themselves in power. They've started here as they think they know how we'll approach it, and by the time they finish it will be too late. I think they may be right too- we're at our wits end, and still know so little. I think they should go for the honest, face to face coup d'etat rather than all this mucking around."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"That petition by the Illuminati was certainly interesting- it was an explanation that has not been properly looked into. We really don't know an awful lot about the abilities of dark magic, and there were unusual cases of it reported last year. What if it is those dark elves? I'm not sure how we'd even find out until its too late... hmmm. If the sun goes out, we'll be regretting not thinking of them sooner."

Heard it from travellers near the Borderlands

From a Weather Druid...
"Its an imbalance in our world's life- the elementalists finally disrupted our worlds equilibrium and have caused a storm, and storm of energy which is slowly growing. Its like a cancer, and its effects will spread. Here- look at the weather patterns and the flow of power. Its clearly being focused on by Nature's will, and the will of our world to survive is devoting its life to preventing this cancer. We need to work out how we can aid it..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From a historian...
"Yes, I travelled here to see if the rumours were true- that the folk who used to rule so much of this part of the world had returned. The Hassani are said to have destroyed themselves in a civil war, but my studies suggest this would be quite unlike them. No, I'm not sure why they left, but I have a feeling we may find out as they return to claim what is theirs.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From a priest...
"Someone is playing with people's minds out there. You go in and forget things, your spells or how to wield your sword. Illusions appear and your mind is so confused that you fight your friends thinking that you are fighting mysterious figures. After a while, it passes, and you realise you and your friends are wounded. What you do not realise is that it was YOU who inflicted the wounds! Some malevolent entity has awoken, or been called, and when you are there it infiltrates your very being. If you manage to escape his grasp weakens, but it quickly regains its hold when you return..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From a cartographer...
"Well, I've been ordered up here and given these guards so that the Baron can get a better idea of the shape of the Borderlands. Its funny but you can almost feel the edge, as you cross there's a shifting of shadows, the winds carry a different smell... Sorry, getting sidetracked. Yes, over the last few months we've covered the circumference. Fairly quickly in some places but still... here, look. For its size it barely impinges on the Barony. Next we're to try to map the area near the Barony, yet the usual methods aren't working. It, well, you'll think I'm mad but whatever I try to map shifts itself the next day. Recently, I've also been getting the oddest sensation that the land is like water behind a dam- like I can feel its ready to burst out..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
From a lumberjack...
"So yeah, the guy seemed quite sincere. Told us to listen to what the trees were telling us. Shut up like a clam when we asked him to pass on their words though. I've heard worse about the area than talking trees. Couple of people have suggested that he's really on to something, but... I just can't bring myself to go and try to communicate with them. I think I'd run a mile if they started... mind would go and I'd start wearing high heels or some such."

22/12/2002 High Master Vortex's christmas carol

[Its snowing in the Barony and a black clad figure leaps through the sparkling midnight streets...]

What's this? What's this?
There's color everywhere
What's this?
There's white things in the air
What's this?
I can't believe my eyes
I must be dreaming
Wake up, Vortex, this isn't fair
What's this?

What's this? What's this?
There's something very wrong
What's this?
There are people singing songs

What's this?
The streets are lined with
Little creatures laughing
Everybody seems so happy
Have I possibly gone daffy?
What is this?
What's this?

There are children throwing snowballs here
instead of throwing heads
They're busy building toys
And absolutely no one's dead

There's frost on every window
Oh, I can't believe my eyes
And in my bones I feel the warmth
That's coming from inside

Oh, look
What's this?
They're hanging mistletoe, they kiss
Why that looks so unique, inspired
They're gathering around to hear a story
Roasting chestnuts on a fire
What's this?
What's this?

In here they've got a little tree, how queer
And who would ever think
And why?

They're covering it with tiny little things
They've got electric lights on strings
And there's a smile on everyone
So, now, correct me if I'm wrong
This looks like fun
This looks like fun
Oh, could it be I got my wish?
What's this?

Oh my, what now?
The children are asleep
But look, there's nothing underneath
No ghouls, no witches here to scream and scare them
Or ensnare them, only little cozy things
Secure inside their dreamland
What's this?

The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can't be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

Instead of screams, I swear
I can hear music in the air
The smell of cakes and pies
Is absolutely everywhere

The sights, the sounds
They're everywhere and all around
I've never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I want it, oh, I want it
Oh, I want it for my own
I've got to know
I've got to know
What is this place that I have found?
What is this?
Christmas Town? hmm...

Now where did I put my sword, that "Jolly" fool won't escape this year. The cretin has gone too far this time...

22/12/2002 Biscuit's reply to the nigerian 419 spammer

To: Mr Eric Jones, ejones13@europe.com, ejones14@mail.com
CC'd: to everyone in sight, minus the Church of Chaos bit.

CC recipricents, do you want to help me worry this poor man?

Hel10 Mr EriC JonEsy man! h0w aRE yoU? I thiNK thAt ripq1ng 0fF qe0Pl2 liKe tHaT isN'T vERy niCe, It miGhT mak3 ThEm GruMPy. aND if Y0U wanT m3 t0 H3lP y-0u whY ar2 yoU Abbr355inG eM aS a PeRSon Of reSPEctabilITY anD stUff? yoU clearLY h0Pe I'm n0T. HoW diD you kNoW I exiST anyWay?

AnYHow, woulD you liKe a bAlo0n? yoU geT onE frEE wh3N YoU joiN tHe Church of Chaos.

huGs anb sqarK1!eS

Yay! My isT eVer fOuR HunDereD anb NiNt3En Ma!l. YaY! YaY for Sp00nS.

10/10/2002 Vortex Appreciation Calendars

In a strange twist to his usual behaviour, High Master Vortex of the Temple of Might has temporarily laid down the mantle of brutal killer, and taken up tbe suitcase of the door-to-door salesman. Reports indicate he is retailing "Vortex Appreciation Calendars" at "truly amazing bargain prices".

The citizens of the Barony have never been so afraid to answer their own front doors.

01/06/2002 I see Ships!

Does more trouble await the barony? Since that strange fleet attacked the barony's coastline last month, we have cast a wary eye over our troubled waters. This morning we started receiving witness accounts of dark ships approaching the barony last night. So far the witness reports have been sketchy at best, some reporting seeing enemy warships and others the more welcome sight of merchant vessels. Yet more have reported sightings of the barony flag or even the skull and cross-bones.

At this time it is therfroe unknown as to whether these ships are more of the strange fleet that attacked the barony coastline last month, or long awaited relief froces from the barony's allies. Rest assured we will bring you more news as soon as it comes in.
Edwin Chester - Reporter Barony Bugle

28/05/2000 Barony to Curb Drinking on the Streets

The barony has renewed its safe streets policies with a newly proposed bill to enforce stringent restriction on the consumption of certain alcoholic beverages on the streets of barony outposts following the untimely death of patrol watchman Javis in the "poor quarter" last week. The newly proposed regulations have met strong opposition particularly from the highlanders and the guardsmen offering a distinct challenge to the authorities.

Patrol Watchman Javis was discovered by one of his colleges at 3 o'clock in the morning his face down in the gutter of the street with a tankard in his hand. The attending priests confirmed that he died due to massive head trauma conducive to a drunken fall. On resurrection Watchman Javis denies the accusations that he was drunk on duty and claims to have been pushed. In light of this new information the case may be re-opened however Marshal Yaegar indicated that he was skeptical that any new information will be gained.

A number of far-fetched explanations have been voiced by the traditional conspiracy theory advocates, whilst others claim it was assination carried out by the mysterious Dark Blades. Such theories however have been debunked by Marshal Yeager, who issues the following statement:
Such theories have no grounds whatsoever, although it has been reported that Watchman Javis was somewhat of a 'Bully' in the area it is doubful that anyone would have the finances or contacts to involve organised assassins.

19/03/2000 Large Tankard's Conspiracy Theory of the Week

An anonymous report has been submitted to Large Tankard Magazine which may shed some light onto the truth about the headman of Upper Bogglehampton, "Marshal Bob".

LTM is still processing the report and has set up an advisory panel of commissioners to look into this matter, but the evidence brought forward strongly suggests that the true identity of "Marshal Bob", headman of the notoriously unsafe region of Upper Bogglehampton, is none other than The Heart Of Talon!

We present the facts so far, so that you may judge for yourselves in this matter:

FACT: His village and the surrounding area have been repeatedly invaded by powerful undead hordes. An unfortunate attack by forces of darkness as he claims.....or maybe we interrupted his AGM at a bad moment?

FACT: He has shown no grief over the deaths of either of his wives or his newborn son - did they unwittingly stumble upon his secret and had to be kept quiet?

FACT: He has on occasion barricaded himself in his village using powerful miracles of the warding-type against invading orcs. Tricky, advanced and little-known Justice miracle as he claimed - or simply a Life Ward pulled from the DARKER side of his nature?

FACT: During the defence of Bogglehamptom, in the presence of witnesses, he invited his immensely powered-up blacksmith to strike at his leg with the strength of 16 normal people - "Bob" took no damage at all!!! A combination of awesomely powerful Justice miracles - or simply the Necromantic ability to ignore normal damage?

FACT: If "Bob" is then so powerful, how could his village become overrun by a nearby Anarchy temple? Where they really unwelcome intruders..... or invited guests?

FACT: Despite his power, "Marshal Bob" has only ever grudgingly powered up Barony patrol parties. Lack of power? Or an unwillingness to aid his mortal enemy?

RUMOUR: Allegedly, the headman of Lower Bogglehampton was turned into a malevolent Guardian spirit, who went on to attack "Marshal Bob" and capture his essence in a crystal. Was it a truly evil act by an undead spirit, or was this a last, desperate attempt to save the Barony from The Enemy Within?

RUMOUR: He allegedly resurrects people from nothing but their burnt skull - but are they quite the same afterwards?

RUMOUR: His villagers are rumoured to all be somewhat slow and stupid - ordinary bumpkins, or an unfortunate side-effect of zombification?

FACT: An anagram of "Headman Bob" is BAD MAN HOBE, which, as everyone knows, was the Heart's childhood nickname! [Incidentally, an anagram of "Talon, Heart!" is ALERT, HAT ON!]

Can we really afford to ignore these "coincidences", or is there something more sinister going on? We advise extreme caution in future dealings with "Marshal Bob", and remember, whatever you do, DON'T MARRY HIM!!!

Next Week: Resemblences between Baron Van Heusen and The Cheesemonster - bad BO or something deeper?

13/02/2000 Marajadeannira

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21/11/1999 Iilson Explained

The concern raised by rumours of Pathfinder Iilson's extremely uncharacteristic "standing and fighting" was finally quietened in something of an anti-climax today, after a statement was obtained from Sergeant Kendal, who was present on that patrol. The relevant part of Kendal's statement is included below, and should set all our minds at rest.

"...that was the mission against those renegades, wasn't it? Tough bastards, they had fighters, mages, the works.
"...about Iilson? Oh that's right, he got Entangled to the spot as the rest of us fell back to regroup. Poor bastard, you could hear his screams for help for a mile. Apparently he killed the renegade's newest recruit in his sheer panic - and he doesn't even remember doing it! Hang on a second - didn't he order me not to tell anyone that...? Oh well, no problem eh sir?"

21/11/1999 Shock Report! Iilson seen standing his ground!

Shocking reports have reached us from beyond the Barony borders that whilst on a recent Pathfinder patrol mission, Pathfinder Iilson was seen STANDING HIS GROUND during combat with a renegade group of Barony exiles. Seeking to find the truth behind this disturbing claim, we interviewed a settler in the area who witnessed the skirmish from a distance:
"Well, thar was this whole big battle goin' on, an' all these Barony's men and these others wuz to-in' and fro-in', an' they wuz hittin' each other with swords and these lights wuz flarin' and whatnot, an' then the Barony's lot turned an' ran fer the trees t'regroup. Well, t'others lot wuz chasing them just as hard as they could, when I saw that one of the men - no, an Elf, 'e wuz - wuz still standin' out in the field facin' off a fighter from t'other side. Well, this 'ere fighter looked mighty confident of hisself an' all, stridin' forward for th' kill, but this Elf - all in green, 'e wuz - jus' waited there calmly, an' suddenly bellowed this almighty war-cry, an' started hacking an' cuttin' at t'other like a blue-streak gone mad. Shoutin' and bellowin' all the time, 'e wuz, an' he jus' cut down his enemy in no time at all, let me tell you. Then 'e jus' stood calmly over the body, an' looked all sad at what 'e'd done."

We can confirm that the Elf mentioned was definitely Lieutenant Iilson, but we have no idea what caused such an alarming role-reversal on his part. Investigators are even now talking to patrol members for confirmation of this unlikely event, and the Humacti are standing by to discreetly Discern Spiritual Influence on Iilson himself, in the search for an explanation. Stay tuned...

24/10/1999 Stranger in our lands

Somewhere out in the lands near Bogglehampton, a strange man has been seen walking around with a stick. It's as yet unknown who this strange man is. Caution is advised when dealing with this man as he could be potentially dangerous.

17/10/1999 Lomax's Army

In other news, Lomax is reputed to have hired a crack troop of mercenarys led by one D. Dastardly and given them instructions to stop The Pigeon from getting any more stories about him.

17/10/1999 Mad Jim McFeegle is defeated by Amazons!!!

The mighty Caledonian was laid low late last evening in a drinking contest with a passing hunting party of Amazons. Our reporter on the scene has more...

Last night Mad Jim and three unidentified Amazon warriors drank the Barons Head of Downcombe dry in what some are calling a Contest of Ineptness.
Matching the Caledonian drink for drink the Amazons are said to have been "slightly tipsy" at the point where Mad Jim screamed his mightiest warcry ("I am inept!") and threw an eight person table like a discus through the wall of the inn and into the side of the neighbouring mayors house, decapitating the mayors pet cow, Ellsey, on the way. He then passed out on the floor and is still asleep, slumped where he fell.

One local peasent had this to say, "He was always telling us he was inept, but nobody believed him until today!".

This reporter also managed to secure a brief interview with one of the smug Amazon's, Alzana, in which she said, "There you have it. An unwashed ape like that - wearing a skirt, of all things!! - can never measure up to a woman. The superiority of females over males in everything has once again been confirmed."

Stay on this line for an exclusive interview with Mad Jim as soon as he wakes up.

17/10/1999 Three's Company Four is Equilibrium...

Lomax, the sick and twisted priest of balance (among other things) has been caught in a foursome!!!!

The other practisioners in this "event" are:

A Cow called Ellsey, who declined an interview with us, but I hear she gives good milk;

An Elven Mage, whom for legal reasons we can only refer to her as Wara, who also declined an interview with us, but I hear she gives good ****;

A peasant called Gordon, who was delighted to give us an interview, but tried it on with me and my assistant so we legged it;

And a tree, called Mr. Tree. (actually we have evidence of it being called a "big wooden Love rod" by Guardian Lomax).

How can one Priest be this twisted I hear you ask? Well, he worships balance, and one of our reporters, who wishes to remain nameless (and faceless, his identity is a mystery to all, we call him the pigeon), said that he has been showing these traits for quite some time...

Lomax himself has declined to talk about the subject, but find out soon about the rest of this saga of filth!

17/10/1999 An advert from 'Large Tankards' magazine

Do you find scouting for more than an hour too much?
Does your feet give out after one battle charge?
Are you getting outrun by darkblades?
Do you get weak in the middle of battles?
Is you armour too heavy?
Are you left embarassed as your foes cut you into small pieces?
Are you low on res chances?
Do you need a boost?

Then you need...............steroids!

Yes, steroids are the great new way to flee like a Dog when hes being chased, and charge like a bull when you want to Encounter Certain Death At Speed [ECDAT(TM)]. They keep you running for days, and there are no side effects*.

So come and see Honest Abe the alchemist, and he'll have you running around like a trooper with his arse on fire!

*CHIEF TEMPLAR HERSEY'S Health warning: Steriods can cause major diseases.

10/10/1999 The truth revealed!!!

Elf mage in hiding until the Temple of Life sends someone over to use a Cure Minor Disease on her spot!!!
Inside sources report Warlocks to be 'relieved but not amused'!"

03/10/1999 Extracts from 'Large Tankards' magazine

News Flash... Mad Jim tosses his kiyber in competion to take first prize.
News Flash... The Badger, the Zebra`s nemesis, turns out to be non other than Mr Ed the taking horse!
News Flash... Dirty elven virgins do it with animals, pictures inside!
News Flash... Man with marrow stuck up own arse claims "I don't know how that got stuck, it must have fell in there."
News Flash... The barron is not real, but is infact made of porridge and painted skin colour.
News Flash... Mad Jim decides its a good time to stop sniffing so much glue.


Sources in the newly rented College quarters report that the elf fire mage, Mara, has taken to her rooms and refused to see anyone. Our source also told us that his brothers friend heard that the Warlocks are treating this with extreme suspicion and suspect that Mara has been abducted and replaced with a Drow spy who is even now adjusting to the daylight world!!!

26/09/1999 The truth about Caffrey's complete failure to safeguard his patrol with his powers!!!!!

The priest Caffrey was observed recently by our undercover sources to be more interested in catching up on the patrol gossip about G'Mord and Twinkle than in the patrols mission. His complete lack of regard for his co-patrollees health was revealed when he proclaimed that any fighting he did would be "in the shade" simply because the day was warm. Proceeding to do this he then exposed patrol members G'Mord and Mad Jim Mcfeegle to perilous danger and only the quick thinking of the other priest present saved the day.

26/09/1999 EXCLUSIVE: G'Mord to marry Twinkle

"I remember that it was Bunty who first noticed that both G'Mord and Twinkle had not been seen for a while and speculated on whether they were becoming 'Good Friends'." - Quote from Caffrey, well respected member of the Temple of Justice.

30/05/1999 Raven rumours are hoax!

Rumours were quashed yesterday when it was discovered that Gordon does in fact have no hands !

30/05/1999 Raven unmasked !

Rumour has it that "The Raven" was seen without his mask and bore a striking resemblance to a peasant of the village of Upper Bogglehampton by the name of Gordon (although we are unable to confirm this rumour has most the residence of this village seem to have disappeared). Even more disturbing is the fact that this peasant is linked to the alarming increase in lemming abuse.